Civil Service

=========|======= Some places I’ve worked are worse than others. Of course none are pleasant – [[how could they be.|BN_01]] But each has its own kind of [[grime,|BN_01]] a cruelty comprised of the wounds of its sad and average members.

=========|======= Colin, the oldest of us all, bent under the weight of chances never taken. A [[small shred of kindness|Whole new week]] left in his heart -reserved for Floss, [[wretched sweet dog.]]

=========|======= Carrie - resisting it all as though she was sent by some will not her own. She's not [[beyond help. |Whole new week]]

=========|======= Sean - bass player, breadmaker, blogger. So says his dating profile. He calls himself a temp, but I can tell from the grime that's collected around him that he's already been here [[almost a year.|Whole new week]]

=========|======= I see its disease on walls and floors, and [[drifting in the air.]] It grows with each visit, this ability to see it. In every place it's different. Here it’s like a fungus, running between ceiling tiles, clinging to the fraying carpet's edge. It's thickest in the places they move most - [[Colin]] and [[Carrie]] and [[Sean.|Sean's]].

=========|======= In places this ruptured it’s important to dress well. To maintain good standards. A coat with [[clean lines]], kind [[muted colours]], or a neat and [[shiny bob]]

=========|======= Vintage Dior - threads [[still in agreement |BN_02]] forty years on.

=========|======= Mossy green. The colour of carers and medics. The [[calm|BN_02]] of earth.

=========|======= Exactly to the chin. A calming and predictable sign for hair where once was [[only tangles.|BN_02]]

=========|======= It takes effort to look this way and it's wasted on my coworkers. If they took a moment to see my example then perhaps they’d take [[the hint.]]

=========|======= There's a soggy box in the doorless cupboard under the sink, and after much searching, this is where I find the biscuit tin - sole source of [[coworking care.]] [[So much to improve on|REV_01]], you'd think it would be easy.

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) Happy snacking in a place as rotten as this one is a faraway dream. There’s mould on the [[toilet wall,]] padlocks on the kitchen cupboards, and my desk sheds tears of plastic teak. It's as budget as it [[is miserable|REV_01]].

=========|=== (align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ [ [[ONE STAR OFFICE]] "Insect ridden hell!!!" [[TWO STAR OFFICE]] "Grimey but nothing that can't be cleansed! xx" [[THREE STAR OFFICE]] "Not perfect, but somewhere to make a difference! :)"] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))]

=========|======= On the bright side there's my view. They squashed my [[desk|REVIEW_01 Desk]] between Colin and the [[cheese plant]], and between the shower of wilting leaves and Colin's dank odour I can [[hardly breathe.]] The view from the window is my only [[escape.|Focus and breathe]]

=========|======= I feel it bend towards me, its great stems frail with longing. I will water it and bring it [[back to life.]] We will watch the world go by, [[take in its truth |BN_03.1]]through our ariel routes.

=======|======= I'm watching them turn beneath my gaze when a door slams. Colin has arrived disguised as important paperwork. He dumps the [[papers]] on his desk where they slide in all directions.

=====|=== (align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")+(box:"X")[|ANIMATED>[ [[ONE STAR DOG]] "The devil's work!!" [[TWO STAR DOG]] "Potential to be better!xx" [[THREE STAR DOG]] "Stolen from its mother at birth - be kind!"] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))]

=========|======= Absorbed in her phone, Carrie doesn't reply but turns to Colin. “I’m leaving early today,” she says. I spin in my swivel chair then come to a halt by Carrie and wonder how to [[start a conversation.|by Carrie]]

=========|======= A street on a Monday morning is a place to find succour, people at their best, pushing through the tiredness and tedium to find the smallest jewels in [[another day of living.]]

=========|=== (align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ [[ONE STAR CAFE]] "Lackluster interior and flat froth!??!!!" [[TWO STAR CAFE]] "Lukewarm service!!" [[THREE STAR CAFE]] "Coffee is love and love is coffee!!!!xxxX" (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant')) ]

=========|=== (align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ [[ONE STAR FLOWERS]] "Saggy flowers and rude seller?!!" [[TWO STAR FLOWERS]] "A little bit of love could go a long way! :):):)" [[THREE STAR FLOWERS]] "Beautiful blooms in my hand and heart!!! xoxo" (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))]

=========|=== (align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ [[ONE STAR NEWS]] "Sad and unfriendly - why?!!?" [[TWO STAR NEWS]] "Average selection of news and souveniers? :( xx" [[THREE STAR NEWS]] "Spreading good news to the whole world!!!!x" (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))]

=========|======= Singing girl strums indie hits and I rest and for a moment and enjoy forgetting [[why I'm here.]] Nav is restocking his stand of souvenier key rings and in the door of Cafe Shack, [[Cafe Guy|phone]] is still trying to unlock the door.

========|======= |ANIMATED>["How can it be so hard to make a decent milky coffee? Sometimes it seems as though in cafes like these the effort stops at choosing the cushion covers. [[Disappointing.|BN_06]]" ] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) |ANIMATED>["The staff here give the impression of wanting to be somewhere else. Service that makes you wish you'd stayed in bed - awful. My commiserations to the only decent barista there - please, [[find a better workplace!|BN_06]]" ] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 2) |ANIMATED>["An oasis in an otherwise viscious world. Calm, spacious and with open-hearted staff and a thoughtful choice of drinks. [[I long to visit.|Ravine]]" ] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= |ANIMATED>["Anyone looking long enough can see that Nav's News is in need of the kind of love that the current owners have no idea about. Yes, it sells newspapers, but is that really enough? There's [[no excuse for bad manners."|BN_06]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) |ANIMATED>["You can see that this kiosk is down at heel for a reason, Nav is always run off his feet and should probably think about recruiting a helper. But who can complain too much about a basic service delivered in a basic style. [[Standard, needs some love.|BN_06]]"] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 2) |ANIMATED>["I love it when local services actually make me smile. Nav is welcoming to every customer he deals with, and I've never seen anyone walk away without a little more energy in their stride. Thanks Nav for spreading happiness and [[lighting the dark!"|Ravine]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= |ANIMATED>["I thought it would be a good idea to brighten up my office and support a local business but whoever served me today brought very little cheer into my life. It was as though I wasn't even there - how rude. [[Would not use again.|BN_06]]" ] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) |ANIMATED>["This is the kind of shop that gives what it gets - I've seen it go through a few busy spells and spotted the odd smiling customer loaded with nature's gifts. Other days, you wonder what the point is. [[Patchy but with hope."|BN_06]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 2) |ANIMATED>["I love this shop, it lights up this souless junction with laughter. The owner clearly sells more than a less caring one would, which is really how we should all look at things and the world would be a better place and not the shit hole that it is. [[An asset to the community!"|Forgotten]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

======|===== I look in the usual areas - stationery cupboard, kitchen counter. When I get back to my desk Colin [[has his phone to his ear.|Colin responds]]

======|===== “Today?” says Colin and he sounds more than usually pissed off, “Thursday. We’ll need a new desk, that one’s on its last legs.” "Literally," Carrie spins a fidget toy as Colin finishes the call and turns to us [[“What is a hot desk anyway?"]]

======|===== There's a smear where the bird was, cool grey and pink. Raindrops meet its greasy warmth and trickle round its edges. The people below move around one another with [[barely a glance.]]

===========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) He knows nothing of [[the attention I lavish on him.|I Saw You #0.1]]

==========|== [[Carrie|How Carrie helped kill her]] spins in her chair sucking a lock of hair. [[Colin|How Colin helped kill her]] booking a holiday, Floss at his feet. [[Sean|How Sean helped kill her]] has not yet arrived.

===========|======= |ANIMATED>["Delicate curves of metal – and so light! These little things [[work so hard|Colin desk]] to keep the wayward neat."](change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=======|======= (set: $score to it + 1) An application to the state, a plea to ungodly power, through the right channels and justly made is - [[in my colleague's world|Say hi to Carrie]] - a grey and spectral effort from the office printer. Tea stained, creased, worthless. These are the things they [[deal]] in.

=========|======= |ANIMATED>["The devil has had a hand in pairing this dog with its owner. Attempt no signs of love, they will be met with bile - if not in this life then [[in the next.|Say hi to Carrie]]"] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) |ANIMATED>["With the love it needs this little pomaranian could be a really sweet companion. [[I'm working on it!|Say hi to Carrie]]" ] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 2) |ANIMATED>["They say don't judge the dog, judge the owner, and in all such things we should take that lesson. Are we not all the sum of the actions and reactions that are the loop of living, and Flossy would be better off in some other home than Colin's. [[Give love]]" ] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= |ANIMATED>["This crappy little desk began life as an aspirational office item, but has lived a life of abuse and neglect and is now fit for nothing. Wobbly legs and uneven surface both hinder proper use. [[Would not recommend.]]"] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) |ANIMATED>["This four legged item has little to recommend it and was clearly designed to appeal to the middle of the road office manager. Wobbly legs and blistered surface, but would make a decent hiding place in case of a terrorist attack, bringing it just clear of [[one star shame.]]"] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 2) |ANIMATED>["The fact that this average item still has use should be a lesson to us all - its breached vaneer echoes a reassuring sense of future utility as well as a sweet glimpse of the history of lives once lived. [[Highly recommend."|BN_03.1]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

(align:"==>")+(box:"=XXX=")[Or left behind to [[die.|BN_03.1]] That happens too.]

And they go home to their televisions And dream of holiday sunsets where the pain is no longer real Leave you at the bottom of a ravine to die And you always did the right thing, Jess You showed up, you worked hard, you helped out You stood up for people, made kind choices Tried to bring some sunshine Tried to make them laugh What is this life if we cannot be civil to one another? What if we, after all, animals - animals in tawdry little cages of our own design? That day out with Your father Your mother They [[barely knew|I Saw You #01 you.]] But they saw through you And you faded They say they'll give you feedback They say they'll review your work The words they use are cut and pasted The boxes ticked And [[you never did get that meeting with your line manager Your tutor

=======|======= I know the impact of poor ratings. I know I must look for the upsides if I'm to succeed. A woodlouse shuffles across my desk. I press my face to the window pane and try to puff my breath on it. I used to like the cool wet of glass beneath my fingers as I drew [[hearts in the mist.]]

=======|======= At the junction below my window people weave careful paths, avoiding the eyes of strangers. [[Back and forth they go -|BN_04]] station, cafe, florists, pub.

=========|=== (align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ [ [[ONE STAR DESK]] "Crappy little desk for the landfill!!!" [[TWO STAR DESK]] "Mediocrity prevails! :) xoxo" [[THREE STAR DESK]] "Testimony to civil living!!!!! :)"] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))]

=======|======= Carrie looks in my direction, "She's not right that dog, [[why is she barking now?|empty spinning chair?]] Floss shut it. On your bed."

=======|====== Flossy chomps at her toy and as I bend to pet her I see Her work shoes under the desk - no one has bothered to move them. They wait neatly, as though She'll walk right in. As though they'd never left Her there. Thinking of Her suffering reminds me of my own and makes me strong. I take a shoe and watch as it [[flies across the room.]]

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) Fifty three miles away at the bottom of a ravine (text-colour:grey)[[Her veins chill]]

=========|======= So many things we waste but the worst of it is people. Just look at Her down in the dirt and the dark - battery dead, water gone, shivering while you laughed in a bar, your bellies heavy with battery chicken and [[mother sweet cocktails.|BN_06]]

======|===== I nudge Colin's water bottle and tip it into the cheese plant. A double win. Work here will be slower than I expected. I want to send some care elsewhere. With my eyes on Cafe Guy as he stands there in the rain, I begin [[to write|I Saw You #0.1]].

=========|======= Inside are only crumbs but I can feel how the tin, embossed, rusty, was Her purchase. Her first gift to this tiny [[human void.|REV_01]] As I sense it I feel heat from within. It is [[their warmth,]] and I know they're encouraging me in my task.

=========|======= Sometimes people don’t survive places like this. Sometimes people [[curl up and die.]] Like this stale cereal bar in my drawer and the [[cheese plant|dead plant]] that sings unheard for water.

=========|======= I look closely to see the faded outline of a cartoon character, its glasses and giant nose are [[Colin.|BN_03.1]]. The hand I know is Hers.

=========|======= I begin my real work, which starts with [[saying hi to Carrie|conversation Carrie]], late though she is.

======|===== "Why Carrie? Got some [[fun plans?"|Carrie Responds]] "I'm going out to get coffee - [[want to come?|Carrie Responds]] "What kind of snacks do you like? [[I thought I'd stock up."|Carrie Responds]]

===========|======= Perhaps that is the nature of [[their bond.]]

=====|===== I wonder what awaits them - the florist at [[Phat Flowers]] filling her pots, the bathrobed man leaning in the hatch at [[Nav's News]], the girl with the guitar sitting on a crate by the station steps. And the guy with the magazine - the one who can see me - is unlocking the door to [[Cafe Shack]],

(align:"==>")+(box:"=XXX=")[It's [[lonely song.]]]

=========|======= 'Departure' is the name of the ringtone. I had it too, it was the [[last thing I heard.|hate this job.]]

===========|======= Focus! I should think of [[ways to help]] Colin find his phone.

======|===== I know I should help people with little things like this, I know that it [[makes a difference.]] Colin's not a good person. But he's part of the [[job description, |as it were]] and I need to succeed. [[The ringing stops.]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"X")[|ANIMATED>[ (text-colour:red)[I saw you at the station] ...Reading a paper [[folded into four]] ...You had [[your left hand cupped against your ear]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant')) ]

(align:"<==")+(box:"X")[|ANIMATED>[(text-colour:red) [I saw you at the station, reading a paper folded into four] ...I wondered about [[your respect for right angles.]] ...I imagined [[my folded laundry on your lap.]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant')) ]

(align:"<==")+(box:"X")[|ANIMATED>[(text-colour:red) [I saw you at the station, your left hand cupped against your ear.] ...I should have known you are the [[listening type.]] ...What are you [[blocking out?]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant')) ]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red)["I saw you at the station reading a paper folded into four. I marvelled at your respect for right angles and imagined my folded laundry on your lap." [[A clean white wonder of good intent.|Send the ad]]]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red)["I saw you at the station, your left hand cupped against your ear. I should have know you are the listening type." [[Kind.|Send the ad]]]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red)["I saw you at the station, your left hand cupped against your ear. What were you blocking out?" [[Not me. |Send the ad]]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ (text-colour:red)[I saw you in the woods] ...Kicking up the leaves like you were [[lost in them]] ...Touching the trunks of trees like you could [[feel their hearts beat]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant')) ]

====|==== My work takes a special kind of strength and when I'm done I'm so weak that my core trembles and the tube lights flutter. Floss yelps which shows that it worked and that [[my words will appear in the magazine]] I've seen him read. I know that Cafe Guy's [[just the kind of person|Pause 4]] who reads even the smallest of things.

====|==== I take a moment to peek at Cafe Guy in the street below, still trying to get his call through. still pacing out his problems while the passersby throw money into Singing Girl’s hat, or chat with the florist. Ignoring him. Obviously in need of [[help.]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[Sometimes it's hard to know [[who to work on first.|Spelling #01]]]

=========|======= I look at my work station and take stock of the items I have gathered. I have one sheet of paper, three paperclips, and a half empty bottle of corrector fluid. [[I'll start small.|paperclips, paper and corrector fluid.]]

=====|=== Carrie who said she'd call and never did. Carrie who instead drank preseco and shots in the [[Novotel bar.|MAGIC]]

===|=== Colin who should have done the counting, checking you were all safe, but who really just wanted to be the one in the safety vest. A shining beacon of authority, leading the way out of the dank [[gorge in the dusk.|MAGIC]]

===|=== Sean with his own calipers and ropes, the swagger of a man-who's-done-this-before-so-watch-out. It wasn't his idea to skip the count out and go directly to the bar, but he sped them up - Colin and the twenty three other team members marched away from the ravine where their [[twenty-fifth lay injured.|MAGIC]]

Just because we come from the dark doesn't mean we live in the light. You cannot see it, not yet. But I have been to that place where it all becomes clear, the gold that you give when you see one another, listen to one another, hold one another, love one another. But like slugs to beer jars you crawl.

============|======= Carrie, opening the door just in time to witness my skill, screams "Who threw that shoe!" and looks for a culprit. [[Colin is in the kitchen.|Say hi to Carrie]]

=========|======= They say there will be opportunities to contribute. They say there will be a chance to grow. But they shunt you, [[shut you out, stand you up.]]

==========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) |ANIMATED>["And that is why I do [[this job.|The ringing stops.]] That is why I'm here." ] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*80)+(t8n:'instant'))

=====|===== (set: $score to it + 1) And I recall the icy chill of life as it yanked me into it, the wet slap of gravity, the sharp suck of air. Without touch there is no light, only these things. Chill and slap and an endless [[sharp sucking of air.|the window]]

=====|======= But I’ve worked in places this wretched before. It’s only takes a week for them to accept me. To stop looking over their shoulders. And here it is - a [[bright future.]] A whole new [[Monday]].

(set: $score to it + 1) (align:"=><=")|ANIMATED>["Terrible interior decor, neglected appliances and unhealthy conditions that make no attempt to hide the existential despair of the tenants. [[Not recommended."|BN_02.1]] ] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

(set: $score to it + 2) (align:"=><=")|ANIMATED>["A reassuringly unpretentious premises with room to leave a personal mark. Would recommend to more flexible types who like a chance to [[make an impact."|BN_02.1]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

(set: $score to it + 2) (align:"=><=")|ANIMATED>["There's lots to love here for the nomadic kind of worker who enjoys seeing how others live and making a difference. Shabby but quaint - and [[where there's a will there's a way."|BN_02.1]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= Even a touch can do it. Like those babies abandoned, a factual truth: Touch them and [[they will thrive!|BN_03.1]] See them and [[they will smile!|Would not recommend.]]

===========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) [It's not like I don't still [[hope|Monday]] for the signs of it.]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XX=")[Back to work. [[Three steps]] and a ritual and I'll be free. I wonder where [[to begin...]]]

=============|======= And [[fail to deal.|Say hi to Carrie]]

=========|======= Colin could use some paperclips, so here I will begin, because sharing is caring, and I’m ready to [[push myself.]]

=========|======= ...I send them a short distance to my left, letting them land on the desk that is Colin’s. (text-colour:black)[(align:"==>")+(box:"=XXX=")[ [[The real work has begun.]]]]

=========|======= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[ But now for my side project. [[The one on the street below.]]]

(text-colour:black)[(align:"=><=")[When they came there were [[three.|Opening #0.1]]]]

=========|======= (text-colour:black)[The first one said “We all know why we’re here,” The second one said “She’s not paying attention,” to which the third giggled. I looked all about me and finally the third said, “Try talking [[more kindly,]]”]

=========|======= (text-colour:black)[“I can hear you,” I said, looking about me, “But I can’t see you very clearly,” Though I wondered if the [[mist]] was thinner, whispier than it had been last time.]

=========|======= (text-colour:black)[“...And the better it will get!” came the third, childlike and close. First spoke again,“So you need to [[focus]]” ]

=========|======= (text-colour:black)[It was Third's voice, and the light pulsed bright as it sang out, “Focus and stop [[daydreaming!]]” “Don’t forget,” said Second - a sweet voice and warm, amber hue - “to [[stay positive]] this time.” ]

=========|======= (text-colour:black)[ I'll try harder this time because I do want to be good at my job - to [[succeed and rise up.]] ]

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) I will try, I'll think the [[kindest thoughts,|DRIFT]] no matter what.

=========|======= Laughter, bright as a glacier chimed through the ether, and a [[chorus of whispers]] said, "Think of the light!"

(css: "font-size: 250%;")+(text-colour:grey)+(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[[["IT HELPS!"]]]

=========|======= The first spoke again and said “And so because of the errors of the [[last -”]]

=========|======= “So distracted!” The interruption was Three’s, but First went on, “To help you avoid the - (text-colour:red)[(cycling-link:"errors","distractions","unfortunate mishaps","losses,", "such losses", " ")] of your last visit, [[we have chosen this next one ourselves.”]]

=========|======= “What is it?” I said, then remembered the pain, “But of course [[I’m ready,]] whatever it is!”

=========|======= I did feel ready, at the time. I was [[warm in their glow]] and eager to see more, [[be more.]] And I couldn't wait any more, and I could already [[feel myself expanding,]]

=========|======= And warm from within. Here it's as though the pain that starts when (text-colour:#d11515)[(cycling-link:"life","love","breathing")] does [[never existed]] at all.

=========|======= More than I was [[down there.|never existed]]

=========|======= First came close and asked “What do you want to know?” I laughed in the light and said “Anything at all!” and thought how I am [[different here,]]

===============|======= [[and good.]]

=========|======= (text-colour:white)[Then Three said slowly, “you can have some of it, all of it, or none of it.” Which one? [[Some of it]]? Maybe you want [[all of it]]? Or perhaps [[none of it]] at all?]

=========|======= (text-colour:black)[Second speaks, “You're going to an office - its cruelty can be harder to find than in the factory or mine, for it is dressed in casual clothing. Remember that you cannot leave until the visit is done.”] [["Now are you ready?"]]

=========|======= (text-colour:black)[First says “They did not know her name and so they couldn’t see her - wouldn’t see her. She trusted them and they failed her. And now it is down to you to make things right.” [["Now are you ready?"]]]

=========|======= (text-colour:black)[Third wraps me in a twinkling embrace, “Of course she wants to do it her own way!" First adds "And let's not forget that it is not our way to take the joy of discovery from you. Trust your intuition!” [["Now are you ready?"]]]

=========|======= “Look!” said First, as I felt myself expand and soften. “She’s ready,” said Second and Third together, sweet like the sun and the dawn and all the things I craved more than anything I’d craved ever, in past or present or future. [[“Remember,”]] said First,

=========|======= And again came that sweet chorus: (align:"=><=")[“While [[souls]] are bound to bodies, Human eyes are [[blind.]]”]

=========|======= And I know well the [[consequences|understand]] of a nearby death, which no matter the means, can [[ruin everything.]] (align:"==>")+(box:"=XX=")[And has. ]

=========|======= (align:"==>")+(box:"=XX=")[They do, sometimes, [[see.|understand]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[ [[But I understand.]]]

=========|======= And before I can say it their lights fade and the white turns to black and I am left [[alone.]]

(align:"=><=")[And [[cold.]]]

(align:"=><=")[[Very very cold.]]

=========|======= [[It takes]]

(align:"==>")[[longer]]

(align:"==>")+(box:"=XX=")[[than I remembered.]]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"=XX=")[[And hurts.]]

(css: "font-size: 400%;")+(text-colour:grey)+(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[[["FOCUS!"|focus again,]]]

==========|======= This is why there are certain places that cannot be visited. [[I feel it beginning,]]

(align:"=><=")[[...|dots]]

===|=== This morning men in yellow vests make bright sigils on the paving. Perhaps this is how they do their bit - working to [[ward something off]] or keep it [[trapped within.|trapped within]]

========|====== Their voices [[faded]] behind me. And already [[I could feel my calling, was eager to go.|and sharp]] But I knew I was not [[ready to begin.|never existed]]

=========|======= Far away I [[heard them calling to me...|“Remember,”]]

======================|=== [[It takes]]

====|======= (css: "font-size: 300%;")+(text-colour:red)+(align:"=><=")[[[TUESDAY|Now it is TUESDAY]]]

=========|======= Little do they know this whole block is rotten to the [[core.]]

===|=== Daylight pushes through thick mist making monsters of the [[city blocks.|Review City Blocks]] Cafe Guy emerges from the station's mouth, followed by the one who must be Nav. They don't greet one another but go silently about their tasks - Nav unlocking shutters, Cafe Guy lifting tables and chairs to the pavement. It gets [[lonely here at night]] and I like it when people [[begin again.]]

=========|======= Sean likes to arrive early. I [[wait and watch]] for his bike.

====|=== But today he arrives in a taxi. He lifts large boxes and slams the boot, then breaks up the voodoo at the threshold and bashes his way up the stairs. He is angrier than usual and the dark spreads from him in a [[fractal fever.|thicker with every step.]]

=======|=== Up and down the stairs he staggers with boxes. It’s an effort to get the biggest one through the door, and I hold it open for him, and can't help but [[ask him]]-

===|=== Though I can clearly see the IKEA logo and know what it means. Sean does not elaborate but picks up a small one and drops it on my desk as though to shame it. It does a little wobble and my things go tumbling to the floor. The paper and the corrector fluid. [[So little respect for my work.|Pace pick up]]

=====|=== And in [[answer,|Pace pick up]] Sean moves to the kitchen and decants milk from the fridge into a personal bottle which he puts into his drawer along with a packet of farm-baked biscuits from his rucksack.

=====|=== Hating Sean is not part of my job description but sometimes it's hard not to. I know what the Voices would say - [[be positive, think kind thoughts, focus focus focus.]] But my fury heats me in this cold grey world and I pace and snarl and decide to [[mess with Sean,]]

======|=== Sean stops and turns, his face set and eyes wide. He reaches for his phone, looks around the room, glances [[out the window.]] Then the door downstairs slams and he quickly throws his phone onto his desk and begins needlessly shifting boxes. [[In comes Carrie,]] headphones, hat and bag filled with pastries - she pulls her phone from her pocket.

=========|======= ...as though for help. Looking for someone to save him from something. Looking for [[someone to help.]]

=====|=== Carrie swaggers through the door with her usual bag of snacks and yells to her colleague, "Why did you just call me?" Sean keeps his eyes on the boxes and says only "Maybe from my pocket," and shuffles his feet. A totally different person now his world has wobbled. Carrie puts almost a whole croissant in her mouth and Sean says,"I'm going to need some [[help with this stuff,|Clara and Sean]]"

=========|=== (align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ [[ONE STAR URBAN PLANNING]] "Kapital, capital... this is crapitalist dystopia!??!!!" [[TWO STAR URBAN PLANNING]] "Layers of loving and lacking!!" [[THREE STAR URBAN PLANNING]] "Deep time will heal us!?!! xoxo" (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant')) ]

=========|======= |ANIMATED>["As though people can be stacked high and sold cheap, [[like produce."|lonely here at night]] ] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) |ANIMATED>["Sometimes I think of the city as an [[optical illusion,|lonely here at night]] the kind where a different reality emerges at the shift on an eye - open arches, leafy walkways, lovingly restored facades."] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 2) |ANIMATED>["The Voices said that everything is process and that nothing is forever, that I should trust in the layers of time. Do the work and watch the world heal, little by little. [[From my place up there where it's warm."|lonely here at night]] ] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= If only you knew, Sean, what's at stake. If you could hear [[how She cried for help in the dark.|Clara and Sean]]

===|=== "What's all this," asks Carrie. She glares at the boxes and shoves one from her space to Sean's."It's a hot desk," Sean is brief and mumbling, "We already talked about it," "Speak clearly, you're like a fucking gnome." Carrie raises her voice in that way that makes it hard to tell if she's [[angry or just mean.]] In walks [[Colin with Floss at his heels.]]

=========|======= "What's going on," Colin does not waste a moment, Floss yaps around me as though I'm [[some kind of intruder.]]

=======|===== "It's the hot desk, stupid" scorns Carrie, "Where's it going to go?" splutters Colin, and a phone begins to ring. "By the window, obviously," Carrie says, "Actually I'm having this one. I'll move the old one [[to the window |I'll move mine to the window,"]] says Sean. "The hot desker can sit there." "Christ someone get that phone!" yells Carrie, and it rings like a patient baby, and the dog circles and yaps, and [[all I can think is...]]

=========|======= My window, my cheese plant, my view. [[I must act.]]

=========|======= Cafe Guy is running from his cafe and smoke is pluming from a window. Singing Girl, just arrived and with guitar in hand, stops to [[watch the scene.]]

=========|======= All I can do is watch as the fire brigade parks up and the manager arrives and the cafe is [[doused and locked.]]

=========|======= But first I hold the paper for my second task, smoothing its edges and points. Ensuring it has been long enough at my cheek, I summon my strength and fly it across the room to land on [[Sean's desk.]]

=============|======= It only takes [[three.|threads of Her]]

====|=== It's no surprise that he ignores me. Just carries on with his life like nothing happened on [[Team Building Day.|Pace pick up]] As though everyone got home to bed like he did.

(align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ (text-colour:red)[I saw you in the woods. Kicking up the leaves like you were lost in them.] ...I love your choice of [[jacket.]] ...You picked up a [[dirty crisp wrapper]] from the forest floor. (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))]

(align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ (text-colour:red)[I saw you in the woods, touching the trunks of trees like you could hear their hearts beat.] ...I can see that someone's [[done you wrong.]] ...[[Look up]] to my window. (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant')) ]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red)"[I saw you in the woods, kicking up the leaves like you were lost in them. I love your choice of jacket." [[Snug|Send the ad]]]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red)["I saw you in the woods kicking up the leaves like you were lost in them. You picked up a dirty crisp wrapper from the forest floor." [[I, the only one who saw. |Send the ad]]]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red)["I saw you in the woods, touching the trunks of trees like you could hear their hearts beat. I can see that someone's done you wrong." [[But I can help you fix it.|Send the ad]]]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red)["I saw you in the woods, touching the trunks of trees like you could hear their hearts beat. Look up to my window." [[I can make myself appear.|Send the ad]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[ [[Paperclips,]] of course.]

=========|======= But I can't leave here until my work is done. I try to decipher the orange scrawl, the nature of the tools they unpack in the [[thinning dark.]] Maybe it's [[a sign.]]

=========|======= Just the thought of the grime draws another insect to scurry across my lap. [[An ant, large and brown.|thinning dark.]] But there is no one here to see me so I let the sad thing live.

=========|======= [[Slamming his drawer, open and shut, open and shut|Ghosted]] [[Flinging his coffee carafe to the floor|Ghosted]] [[Spitting into the gape of his messenger bag|Ghosted]]

=========|======= [[That's my window. |I'll move mine to the window,"]] My view. How will Cafe Guy find me now?

===========|======= And it will be too late. [[The work must be done before her spirit comes loose.|Focus on the work.]]

===========|======= I must not neglect the [[task]] at hand.

====|======= (css: "font-size: 300%;")+(text-colour:red)+(align:"=><=")[[[MONDAY |Monday morning]]]

=========|======= I'll [[pay attention|ethereal laughter]], that is the task after all. I felt the mist clearing, the sensation of tingling at my edges... (text-colour:red)[(cycling-link: "somehow rhythmic", "almost pleasant", "memories", "of something", "lost", "and sad", "")] Cold then, [[and sharp]]

=========|======= And the breath left me and I fell down and away, their voices fractured like glass and were lost to the [[dark and rushing space,]]

============|======= ...and I spun until I forgot who I (text-colour:red)[(cycling-link: "am", "was", "am", "")] [[who I am|Fallen.]]

=========|======= (text-colour:black)[“Don’t worry,” said the one who had been second, “that’s just how it is.” “The more you do, the [[clearer you’ll see us,]]” followed the first.]

=========|======= (text-colour:black)[ I have seen it happen to another! Through the white they glowed together, then the lucky one flew high - (text-colour:red)[(cycling-link:"joyous!","melting!","blissful!","")] [[sigh of release!]] And then -]

===============|==== [I'd (text-colour:red)[(cycling-link: "drifted","failed", "lost them","")] (text-colour:black)[[[Fallen.|Pause 1]]]]

=========|======= [(align:"=><=")[I [[fall|Focus and breathe]] to the floor [[and wait.|No one seems to care.]]]]

(css: "font-size: 450%;")+(align:"=><=")+(text-colour:black)[[[Breathe|BN_03.1]]]

=========|======= But of course no one cares that I'm right here, [[breathing]] like this. But that is why I am here - it's not me that matters now, it's Her. And I will [[be postive.]]

================|======= [[...|Opening #1]]

=========|======= Colin would get his side hair trimmed. Carrie would switch those joggers for something more aspirational. They’d [[smile]] at one another, bring each other [[biscuits.]]

=========|======= Can [[see]] me? The boy below? I press hard into the window then give the woodlouse a fist slam that seems to take (align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[every single] (align:"==>")+(box:"=XXX=")[[bit of me]]

=========|======= I know the magazine - it's the one I'd read on the bus to work - the one with the [['I Saw You']] section. The thought of how I met him and why I'm here now swallows me up with [[anger and grief.|kind eyes and a half-smile.]]

(align:"=><=")+(css: "font-size: 400%;")+(text-colour:grey)[[[FOCUS. |kind eyes and a half-smile.]]]

=========|======= My eyes fall on the street below - there's a boy, a man, dark hair, reading a [[magazine,]] and rocking on one foot. I look, he looks back, up to the place where my face might be and I see for a moment his [[kind eyes and a half-smile.]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"===XX")[(text-colour:white)[[[[Breathe. |Focus and breathe]]]]]

=======|======= Leaves of [[faded claims]] and applications fall through the crack between our desks, landing on Floss who springs out and circles the room and [[sees me and yelps.]]

=========|======= Some of the mould has been scrubbed to a blur where She had begun to clean it. I stare at the graffitied slogans and think about [[writing something]] of my own, something to help.

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 2) I know that I can lift the pen, I could even move it to a stinking cubicle, but the rest is too much for me. [[I hate to be so weak.|Write a review]]

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) I know that I can lift the pen, I could even move it to a stinking cubicle, but the rest is too much for me. [[I hate to be so weak..|Write a review]]

=========|======= I know that I can lift the pen, I could even move it to a stinking cubicle, but the rest is too much for me. [[I hate to be so weak.|Write a review]]

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) Kind and advisory, like -[['Give someone a compliment, it will make their day!']] Subtle and reflective, like - [['You are my tree and wherever I am, I will hear you fall']] Honest and real, like - [['Trust is for fools, love will not save you, death is close.']]

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) Barbed and spindley puffs of rot cluster about my colleagues. They sway for [[Colin]] as he wobbles about the filing cabinet, they spiral around [[Carrie]] as she taps on her phone, they hover and collide over [[Sean's]] lunch bag, as though trying to get in.

=========|======= [[It has tried to bite me.|Whole new week]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")+(css: "font-size: 300%;")+(text-colour:grey)[[FOCUS|Perhaps]]

=========|======= [[As though it were me|As though it were me who was smashed to a paste.]] who was smashed to a paste. But I know that [[he saw me.]]

(text-colour:white)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[[[Which is not how it happened.|he saw me.]]]]

I could reverse it so the choices go: Colin totally ignores me / Colin is more interested in his stupid dog / Colin is an ass who deserves everything he'll get.

==========|======= Dogs usually like me, but [[this one|Floss the dog]] does not. Over protective.

======|===== "Was that Sean," says Carrie, "Does he know his actual job is here? In this actual office?" I open my mouth to explain when a pigeon slams into [[the window]] and for a very small moment, everyone gasps and [[looks.]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ (text-colour:red)[I saw you at a shiny cafe table] ...Reading through a [[magazine]] ...Sleeping on [[the job]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant')) ]

==========|========= (text-colour:black)[ “While souls are bound to bodies, Human eyes are blind.” [[They sang.]]]

=========|======= Fifty three miles away Her blood is cooling and Her heart still beats. Soon I'll be ready [[to take Her back.|shut you out, stand you up.]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ (text-colour:red)[I saw you in the cafe sleeping on the job.] ...It wasn't even lunchtime. [[Who stole your sleep?|I will write you messages]] ...What are you looking for? [[I can help you find it.]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant')) ]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red) ["I saw you at the cafe drinking soya lattes and reading a magazine. I could turn the pages for you." [[Speak the words into you close.|Send the ad]]]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red) ["I saw you at the cafe sleeping on the job. Why don't you look up to my window? Just look up." [[I'll be ready.|Send the ad]]]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red)["I saw you in the cafe sleeping on the job. It wasn't even lunchtime. I will write you messages." [[And you will see me.|Send the ad]]]

=========|======= (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[[...|TUESDAY]]

=========|======= Something to help me from [[the Voices above.|thinning dark.]]

======|=== (set: $score to it + 1) But now I've somewhere better to be, someone to be with. First I must revive Her. Before the death declarers come, in their vans with their tools and tents and cameras. I'll be positive! [[Focus!|lonely here at night]] [I wish that [[this city were kinder.|Review City Blocks]]]

=========|======= Somewhere, someone is wondering where She is. It's just a matter of time before they find her, check for the pulse in the cold wrist, call responders, zip the body bag. I must [[work quickly.|Speak to me]] There's no time to waste.

=========|======= I summon my strength and take the sheet of paper from the floor. I fold it. I press it to me. It's smooth and gentle like sun-warmed apples or fresh dough. And [[outside an alarm screams.]]

============|======= And I [[focus|Pause before WEDNESDAY]] for the rest of the day.

=====|=== (text-colour:black)[ And a pain shoots through me and my vision blurs and I scream and no one hears me but warm white mist relieves me, envelopes me and I [[hear a voice]]]

=========|======= (text-colour:black)[ "Time is running out," (it is the sweetest one) "Focus, to save her!" (my favourite one) Agony passes to bliss, [[I am still.|Colin with Floss at his heels.]]]

================|======= [[...|WEDNESDAY]]

=======|===== (set: $score to it + 1) I think I'm fading. I want to speak, to ask someone, "Can you see me? Am I still here for you?" They would say: [["Of course, I see you - you'll be okay,"|BN_07]] They would say: [["You're nothing to me."|BN_07]]

======|====== Last night Sean stayed late to dismantle my desk - he put it ine the cupboard. He put his old one in its place and made himself a whole new work station. For hours he played loud music and drank shots from a fake painted bottle. While I [[paced|I will be free]] While I [[danced|I will be free]] While I [[sat in the cupboard and cried.|I will be free]]

=========|======= He slept the night on the office floor using Floss's bed as a pillow. His rot has grown so thick it's begun to [[smell.]]

=========|======= What that means exactly. Do I [[want]] that after all...

=========|======= ...To be free of this dank and [[careless place]] if it means I must leave him behind?

=========|======= I have a mouse. I tried for a spider, but in the end it was the mouse who stayed close. [[Poor mouse.|Poor mouse.]]

=====|===== Colin and Floss arrive like it's a normal Wednesday morning. Carrie follows close behind and Sean kicks Floss's bed to its place under Colin's desk and begins to move his things to his new desk. A tap drips. A phone is left to ring unanswered. I must find the strength to open [[this bottle of corrector fluid.]]

=========|======= His grime does not deter me, I will not be here much longer. I will be free. [[I wonder though|The question is...]]

===========|======= But he saw me - even before the woodlouse, he saw me! The effort of it, surprise of it, [[knocks me out.|bit of me]]

===========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) (text-colour:grey)[[[Good people don't leave others behind.|Ravine 2]]]

=========|======= So many people, so little regard. And there stands [[Cafe Guy]], still stuck on the doorstep in the rain, ignored and waiting - waiting for [[all they promised him.|water the plant]]

=========|======= With all my thoughts on Her shivering heart, I put all three into my ribs and hold them there. It's no small work and the chilly metal twists me tight, but slowly and with [[all the strength I can muster]]

=========|======= Coatless and still in his apron, Cafe Guy disappears into the station and I don't see him again all day. Singing Girl's songs are slower now and I wonder why she doesn't cut her hair. If everything is okay. I must [[write to Cafe Guy.|I finish my paper aeroplane]] I know he will receive me.

(css: "font-size: 300%;")+(text-colour:red)+(align:"=><=")[[[WEDNESDAY|Yesterday was hard.]]]

===============|======= It takes [[almost]]

=======|===== “It sounded like its coming [[from a bag or maybe a cupboard,”|Colin no response]] "I can call you - [[shout your number..."|Colin no response]] "I'm making tea, [[if you want one?"|Colin no response]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[Three items that were hers, offered to her killers, [[one, two, three,|to begin...]]]

============|======= And besides, there is a way to [[bring him close.]] I cannot go out - But [[I can bring him in.|BN_03]]

=========|======= He has the curiosity, the clear head. He's not the [[type|BN_03]] to run.

(align:"=><=")[[[...|Opening #1]]]

=========|======= I begin to look for more signs of Her, they would like that. Nothing in the stationery cupboard or the meeting room, but [[in the bathroom...|toilet wall,]]

=========|======= Everyone's opinion matters. That's how I was brought up. Sharing is caring, and if you share right, people will listen. People will care. Sometimes you just have to [[show them how.|REV_01]]

(css: "font-size: 250%;")+(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXX=")[|ANIMATED>[[[I SAW YOU|I Saw You #01.1]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*180)+(t8n:'instant'))]

================|======= [[...|Pause 2]]

================|======= [[...|Fallen.]]

==========|==== Soot-coloured matter creeps from the pores of the creature that is Carrie. Sometimes I have to remind myself there's a reason I'm ignored. That this time, there's no point in trying. I turn back to my desk, my work, my [[rain-trickeled window.|BN_05]]

=========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) Not because I knew Her but because She can still be saved and in the saving I will get release. That is the nature of the work, the Voices told me. [[And these people must be made to pay.|phone]]

=========|======= “Where’s my phone!” Colin yells and stops dead to listen as his phone [[chimes out its song.]]

=====|=== (set: $score to it + 2) What if I could use the little power I have to do something good? To make a connection? Give them a chance? I concentrate very hard and have Sean call Carrie. I imagine them in Cafe Shack, making eye contact, [[laughing together...]]

=========|======= That's two out of three - just one [[task]] remains. And then the final ritual. But the peace drops out of me when I feel [[threads of Her]] in the air. [[Soon they will look for her.]]

===============|======= [[...all...]]

===============|======= [[...day...]]

===============|======= And I am [[tired]]

=============|======= [[But it works.]]

=====|===== And it's done. I'm too weak to hover by my window with Sean moving through me. I haven't the strength to see [[Cafe Guy today.|too tired]] So I crouch in this doorless cupboard, breathing against the pile of sticks that was my desk. Longing for [[cheese plant,]] so far away.

=================|======= [[...|THURSDAY Hols]]

==============|======= (text-colour:black)[[[A holiday.|THURSDAY - A Holiday]]]

=======|===== You wake too early, the Mediterranean sun stripes your sheets, your eyes. She is already up and noisy in the kitchenette. The table is laden with food. (text-colour:black) [[It’s only 7.00am.]]

=======|===== “Morning,” she smiles, and you take what you like the look of... (text-colour:black)[[[- Bread and cheese.|Pool]] [[- Melon and granola.|Pool]] [[- Harissa and eggs.|Pool]]]

=======|===== None of it meets your exacting standards but you scoop it up anyway and take your headphones and shades to (text-colour:black)[[the pool,]] where you wonder why you came here with her after only two weeks of dating.

=======|===== That day was long. (text-colour:black)[[[- You swam, she read the local papers.|Bored]] [[- You scrolled, she talked about some aid crisis in the Middle East.|Bored]] [[- You texted friends, she sketched your feet with surprsing precision.|Bored]]]

=======|===== It was a dull day and awkward. Sometimes you wonder if you willed its conclusion without knowing.(text-colour:black)[ [[Just to get rid of her.]]]

=======|===== When she placed her offering on the table that night, you were already done. Wanted nothing more but to be in the taverna nextdoor, to find some other company. “Spaghetti bolognese,” she’d said, “You’re favourite," "That's what (text-colour:black)[[it said on your profile,”]]

=======|===== And you corrected her. “I said spaghetti bolognese from Sergio’s, it’s a five star Italian.” But her eyes stayed hopeful so you swirled some onto your fork, thinking about the taverna, the girl you’d seen there last night,(text-colour:black)[ [[her hair dangling over a device.]]]

=======|===== And you looked at your all-too-new girlfriend, her unkempt hair, her old magazines and sketchbook. You feel it happen in your head and then - (text-colour:black)[[you say it.]]

(css: "font-size: 250%;")+(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=") [|ANIMATED>[[[One Star.|Next one star]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*180)+(t8n:'instant'))]

=======|===== When you get home that night her body rests on the tiled floor as though sleeping, and you recall the asthma inhaler you said that you had in your lugguage. (text-colour:black)[[But didn't.]]

=======|===== A darkness closed in at the edge of your vision. (text-colour:black)[[It never did go away.]]

=======|===== Sometimes, when you wake, you wonder what it must be like to start each day with the cold soul of a killer. Perhaps it would be easier, more certain than this nausea that you can't shake, the spectral hallucinations that spill from your speech and movement. No one sees it but you, and no one really cares. And anyway. (text-colour:black)[[What did you do, really, to deserve it.|THURSDAY]]

====|==== Carrie screams "Who put white stuff on my fucking iPad!" And here it comes! A deep and cleansing warmth from above - a taster of what is to come! Everything is slow and mute - my colleagues like puppets move against one another in relief. Dark matter spawns and spins and multiplies as they shout and shove. But I'm solid and real and whole! And yet rising up like a feather! And somehow, it makes me [[remember.]]

(css: "font-size: 300%;")+(text-colour:red)+(align:"=><=")[[[THURSDAY|Now it's THURSDAY]]]

=========|======= I am ready for the final act - they must say her name. And for this, the weather needs to change. It's the peaceful pre-dawn hour and in their homes they shower and eat and brush their teeth while I rest by Sean's desk and look [[out of my window,]] waiting for the rain.

=======|======= Never did it rain heavy like this when there wasn't [[something wrong. |the rain that comes,]] In his thin jacket Nav holds a plastic bag on his head and fiddles with the kiosk lock. [[There won't be any busking today.]]

=========|======= Little spikes of ice land where skin once was and I know from my last assignment that I'm feeling what She feels - rain, soaking her through and pulling her back to her senses. It means that [[the time is close.]]

=========|======= But Phat Flowers is already open, its blooms sheltered beneath an awning, white like a [[shroud.|the time is close.]]

=====|===== Daylight, deadened by cloud, drags the city awake, and inside condensation gathers on the windows. I think how it belongs to them - Carrie, Sean and Colin... little Floss. Though none of it is mine. I watch it thicken and wait. Absent of its residents - of their vapours and grime - [[this office isn't so bad.]] Perhaps the Voices are right after all, and I should be more positive. And anyway, soon it will be [[The last time]]

=======|===== The last time they called Her by Her name was on Team Building Day. And even then [[they got it wrong.]]

(text-colour:red)[(cycling-link:"Pass the rope back up will you, Joanna,","You - whatsitface","Sorry, could you just move","Where's the instructor go?","He just left.","Was this supposed to be fun.","Hey you, out the way. You - Jen,","Who the fuck is Jen?","No idea.","Move please.","What are you doing now -","God it's cold,","It's a lot higher than I thought it would be.","The best team building...","...happens in the pub.","Let's go then.","Christ that wind.","Freezing cold wind!","Fuck this.","Who needs team building anyway","Hey- wait for me!","[[...|THURSDAY Office]]")]

====|==== Today they arrive at once. Together. Their centipede feet climb the stairs in ghostlike unison. I watch excitedly as the door opens - in they come, first Floss, then [[Colin and Carrie and Sean.]] This entrance, their brief sense of togetherness in their last hour, tickles me and I begin to laugh. Wilder and wilder I become until Floss jumps at me, pointlessly yipping and spitting which just makes me [[laugh the more.]]

============|======= (text-colour:red)[(cycling-link:"Did you hear that?","Why is it so cold?","The lights aren't working","What's up with Floss","This is wierd","I don't like it","Hang on, let's -", "Let's just call maintenance","But - look at the window","Floss stop yapping!","Look -","What are you talking about","That's writing, someone's written on it","Through the wet","What's that got to do with-","Look what it says","Someone's here!","What?","There's something in the cupboard","Someone's there -","Look, it says -","It says -","[[What does it say?|Cafe Guy Hot Desk]]")]

======|====== (set: $score to it + 1) So hard that I fall against the desk parts with an actual whack, the kind a real body makes. I know that it's Her weight I'm borrowing - my work is taking effect. [[They panic.|Colin and Carrie and Sean.]]

=========|======= They need to say her name - now. But then the office door opens and I see what I've done. [[I did it! My ad, it called him to me! |It is Cafe Guy.]]

=======|===== "Hello?" Now I can see how right I was - Cafe Guy really does have the kindest eyes. "I've come about the hot desk?" And the kind eyes move around the room, (if: $score < 16)[[[looking for me...|Bad ending]]](else:)[[[looks for me,|Good ending]]]

=========|======= Just as Carrie says "Jess, it says Jess," And Colin says "Jess?" And Sean says, [["Who the fuck is Jess?"|All three]]

===|=== And I suck in all the air and I fling my mouse against the wall and as its soul leaves its body my colleagues gasp as they see me and fall. And at that very same moment I feel the very same air fill Her up fast as a flood and all the way up to the eye balls - they snap open, and hot with shock and breathing she also gasps. Many times over. Before their energy becomes Hers there's a moment when they live still, and the mouse dies just long enough so they see the detail of me and I take in every second of their bewilderedment as I swell up and pound into life before them. Carrie, Colin, Sean [[and]]...

========|======= (set: $score to it + 1) Someone will [[come to your rescue,|too tired]] cheese plant, when all this is over, someone good and new will come.

====|==== [[Perhaps, even- a three star office!|3star Office reprise]] Not perfect, but somewhere to make a difference.

=========|======= [[My all-seeing love.]]

(css: "font-size: 250%;")+(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXX=")|ANIMATED>[ [[Five Stars.]] ] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*100)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= [[My love.|I will always remember you, Cafe Guy.]]

=========|======= And that's it, three culprits, three items she touched, three calls for her to live. [[...|"Who the fuck is Jess?"]]

(align:"=><=")|ANIMATED>["There's lots to love here for the nomadic kind of worker who enjoys seeing how others live and making a difference. Shabby but quaint - and [[where there's a will there's a way."|Team Building Day...]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|==== And it happens, I rise up up up! [[And I wait for them.|Wait.]]

(align:"=><=")|ANIMATED>[ [[ONE STAR|She would have died there]] This team did not bond. [[ONE STAR|She would have died there]] This was not a team. [[ONE STAR|She would have died there]] Would not recommend. [["But who cares for reviews?!!?!!!"|score boost.]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*90)+(t8n:'instant')) ]

===========|======= [[She's exactly where they left her.|But who cares for reviews.]]

============|===== [And soon this place will be [[clean again.]]]

============|==== (set: $score to it + 1) (text-colour:white)[Once, one of those ads was [[just for me.|BUT]]]

============|==== (text-colour:white)[[[[Only two green leaves left.|BN_03.1]]]]

=================|=== [[...|Pause 5]]

=================|=== [[...|just the kind of person]]

=========|======= I focus on [[Colin’s desk,|work so hard,]] at its burden of crank-leaved documents.

=======|=== [[“What’s in the boxes?”]] [[“Why are you always early, Sean, is everything alright?"]] [["You really should find another job."]]

====|======= (css: "font-size: 300%;")+(text-colour:red)+(align:"=><=")[[[THURSDAY|Flashback begins]]]

==========|======= You watch her face fall. You spit the pasta into the sink. (text-colour:black)[[You slip on trainers and leave.]]

========================|======= (text-colour:white)+(css: "font-size: 300%;")[ [[Civil Service |Start - Prologue]]] by Helen Liston

========|===== Just as Carrie says "Jess, it says Jess," And Colin says "Oh, Jess..." And Sean says, "Why hasn't she been in this week?" [[And they stop for a moment and think.|Redemption path]]

==========|===== And that's it: Three culprits. Three items she touched. Three calls for her to live. They look at one another [[and Sean says,]]

=======|===== [["Now I think about it I haven't seen her all week,"]]

=======|===== And Carrie says, [["Maybe that was her phone yesterday, in the drawer,"]]

=======|===== And Colin says, [["If there's one thing I do know about her it's that she's punctual,"]]

=======|===== And Floss yaps like her own [[life depends on it.]]

====|==== And I see now that it's worked - they've figured it out. And my mouse and I watch from our nook as they realise what they've done, as they find her phone, recount their Team Building evening without her, put on shoes and coats for the rain that floods down the windows and the drains and city sewers, over tarmac and roadside gutters, down the crags of [[the deep ravine.|They find her.]]

====|==== And when they find her it is not too late after all. In the ambulance Carrie holds her hand. Colin and Sean follow them to the hospital, silent in the stew of their shared regret, shared relief. And slowly the rain begins to ease while back in the office I sit with my mouse - who will also now live - and know that I don't, after all, need seeing. And when Cafe Guy walks through the door, drenched and dripping, he's holding a [[soggy piece of paper -]]

======|====== And let my mouse go. And the Voices sing closer and call down to me, their spirit song filling the office as its grime evaporates like a cheap trick. Their harmony is cream and gold, and glowing vapour releases me from this feeling of flesh, from weight. I float up, just warm air now, and as I do I see this place anew. Free of its fetid colony it is not, after all, as bad as all that. [[Five star potential.]]

==========|====== A scrap, torn from a magazine, that reads: [['I Saw You'|I saw you ending]]

========|====== But the scrap is not from a magazine but the bright white of printer paper, a slither pulled from a shop window, it reads: [['Local Hot Desk Available']]

======|====== But I realise after all that I want him to see me - just him, just once. His brown eyes scan the empty room and pass over me. I feel my mouse's tiny heart [[flutter in my palm.]]

===========|====== [[And I resist.]]

===========|====== Up and away to [[perfection.|THE END]]

=====================|======= (text-colour:white)[The End.]

=======|===== Maybe they'll understand! Maybe they'll give me another chance! (text-colour:black)[ [[They're closer now, descending - their sweet hum swaddles my heart!|Choice redo]]]

===========|==== (text-colour:black)[ [[Three as a blessing.|Opening #0.2]]]

============|==== (text-colour:black)[[Three as a curse. |Prologue begins]]

================|==== (text-colour:black)[[[...|Opening #1]]]

=======|======= ...my boy from below, my Cafe Guy. You should've lived longer and been loved better. [[I will always remember you Cafe Guy.|My love]]

======|====== And just before I'm pulled up through the ceiling I call down to Cafe Guy "I'll never stop seeing you!" And he looks up, sensing me, receiving my words in his fully starred heart. And I smile as I float on the eddies of my good deeds, [[up and away.]]

=========|======= Some places I’ve worked are worse than others. Of course none are pleasant – how could they be. But each has its own kind of grime, a cruelty comprised of the wounds of its sad and average members. //NOTE TO TESTERS: At this point you'll be able to chose to play the story through again. More positive choices = a different ending (not yet programmed). To test that ending, please skip [[HERE|THURSDAY Office]] and on the page about Cafe Guy's kind eyes, use the select tool to find text 'secret alternative ending' hidden at the bottom of the page.//

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red)["I saw you at the station reading a paper folded into four. I marvelled at your respect for right angles." [[The calm and concentration all conscious things deserve.|Send the ad]]]

(align:"<==")+(box:"X")|ANIMATED>[ (text-colour:red)[I saw you at the cafe table, reading through a magazine.] ...I could [[turn the pages for you]] ...Why don't you [[look up to my window?]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*50)+(t8n:'instant')) ]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"X")+(text-colour:red)["I saw you in the cafe, pretending to be asleep. What is it that's missing?" [[I can help you find it.|Send the ad]]]

(set: $score to it + 1) (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[[[Those sad sad stories about the things that people do.|Pause 4]]]

=======|==== And the air grows lighter as I hang there by the ceiling! But I still feel Her weight - limbs leaden as she drags herself from the brackish stones. [[Soon she'll be at the roadside.]]

=======|==== But I know from last time that she'll never be like she was. Not now that Cafe Guy's gone too. (text-colour:black)[[[More of an undead thing than a properly living one.|And I wait for them.]]]

============|===== (set: $score to it + 3) [And soon this place will be [[clean again.]]]

============|======= [[I feel it as though they were my own.|BN_06]]

============|===== [[If they can only remember Her name.|The last time]]

(css: "font-size: 400%;")+(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")|ANIMATED>[[[...|Prologue begins]]] (change: ?ANIMATED's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos*500)+(t8n:'instant'))

=========|======= I hear their harmony - "Breathe Breathe [[Breathe" |Focus and breathe]] Stay calm, pay attention.

=======|======= They said to pay attention and be positive - maybe I should start with a [[message on this wall!|writing something]]

=======|===== (text-colour:black)[ [[How I want a chance to save her!]] Or maybe - maybe I'll stay here. Maybe I'll find him, now that he's like me. Together [[we could get used to the cold.|THE END]]]

========|==== (text-colour:red)[I SAW YOU ] ...at the [[station]] ...in the [[woods]] ...at the [[cafe]]

(css: "font-size: 400%;")+(align:"=><=")+(text-colour:grey)+[[[FOCUS|What is there to work with?]]]

===========|===== (text-colour:black)[[[Carrie's phone rings|In comes Carrie,]]]

=========|===== If they let me try again, I'd give them better ratings! Focus on the details. I know I can do it. [[I can be better.|THE END]] I only need a chance.